Miscarriage has been one of the hardest experiences of my life.

When I became pregnant with my third child (my daughter), I had to go to the hospital for an ultrasound, because I had an IUD at the time. Couldn't find it. I don't know where it went, but she was determined to come! I guess that shows how easily I get pregnant. Before her delivery, I was on bed rest for a month, and she was born 3 1/2 weeks premature.

Well, this daughter was only a few months old when I found out I was pregnant again. I was devastated! My pregnancies are not easy--and that's putting it mildly. I am deathly ill for the first four months, and spend the last months in off-and-on, transition-strength labor. To top things off, my husband gave my baby daughter a bottle, and afterward, she wanted nothing to do with nursing again. So I was depressed and rejected! But, I figured, with my next child. . . yet that was not to be, either.

I asked my husband to give me a blessing. In the blessing, he said that I would be going through a trying experience, and I would be blessed with friends that would help me get through it. I thought I was in for yet another horrible pregnancy. I wasn't looking forward to this experience again, especially with such a small baby. I was really upset.

One night, I had a dream (vision) that I was kneeling by my bed praying, and after the prayer, I looked up. Standing on my bed were a little girl and boy. The girl said, "Don't worry, Mom, we're here." My initial reaction was a heavy heart that we must be having twins!After my four-month doctor visit, we went in for an ultrasound. At this point, I was coming to terms with being pregnant again, just starting to feel better, getting excited, and looking forward to finding out if we were, in fact, having twins.

During the ultrasound, the technician wasn't very talkative. I was thinking she was down-right rude! Then she went out, and the doctor came in and told us the baby was no longer alive. He asked me if I was experiencing cramping or anything, which I wasn't. He told me to go home and take it easy, that I should miscarry naturally within a week. I was devastated!

A couple of days later the doctor called, asking me to come in for another ultrasound, because they saw a shadow while reviewing the videotape that they wanted another look at. I was so excited. Maybe I was having twins after all, and they had now found the other one. Maybe I was still pregnant!

Well, it turned out that the shadow was what appeared to be a tubal pregnancy.Two emergency surgeries later (from internal bleeding, all related to the pregnancy), I had to have a hysterectomy. I prayed about it, and knew it was the right thing. After my hysterectomy, the doctor informed me my uterus only had a 30% chance of carrying a baby to the point it would survive. I was devastated and angry. I wondered what I had done wrong to deserve this. I felt so guilty for not wanting this pregnancy. I thought somehow I CAUSED the problem by having negative thoughts.

I have since seen the boy and girl separately; the girl while I was asleep, the boy while I was awake. I knew they were meant to be my children, and still needed to be born. I didn't know how we were going to accomplish this thing now, but I KNEW they were mine, and meant to be part of our family.

It is now 9 years later.

I was sent a special friend who introduced me to the option of adoption, by first taking children in as foster children. We call our chance meeting "ABad Batch of Brownies."

I was asked to bring someone else a dessert for a funeral. I asked if there was anyone else I could bake for as well, because I don't bake often--so while the oven is hot . . . TheRelief Society President told me there was a lady in the ward who just had a baby. They had arranged dinner for her, but no dessert, because of this funeral. Anyhow, I offered to take some to her too and made two batches of brownies. The oven died during the second batch--they were perfect on the outside, doughy on the inside. I now only had one batch of brownies, and no more oven. I took the good batch for the funeral.

I debated whether or not to bring the lady with the new baby a dessert. She didn't even expect me. It was still hard for me to be excited for people who were having babies. I know that is selfish, but it scrapes the scab off my heart, causing the wound to bleed all over again. At the last second, and after much angst, I went and bought pie and ice cream for her. As I dropped it off, and was getting ready to leave, I felt inspired to stay and help. We got to talking. I found out this was the first baby she had given birth to. Her other three children were adopted. She said if I was ever interested in adopting, to give her a call. She would help me get started.

I asked my husband to pray about adoption. He promised me he would, but he needed to do it on his time, and asked me not to bother him about it again. (You see, he was happy with the 3 we had.) He finally did pray about it. His prayer went something like this: "We're done, right? Three is all we should have, right?" Well, his answer was clear and undeniable: We were to do foster care. That is his life's work, and our children would come through that course.

We began doing foster care. After a time, we were in the process of adopting a girl who came to us when she was 2 1/2 years old and was going through a miserable experience. It's amazing what these little children are put through. We got an infant girl to foster as well. I was feeding her one afternoon, and she looked up to me and smiled. For just a second, her face changed into that face of the girl from my dream.

I knew she was my daughter.

We have since adopted both of these girls, and they were sealed to us at the beginning of last year. The older girl is now 5, and the baby is 2 1/2.

I know our son is still out there. We are still waiting. I am so grateful to the Lord for blessing us with another way to have our children. It is much harder and more painful than the "natural way," but what a wonderful experience! It has been a growing experience for our entire family.

We now have our 24th foster child in our home. It is a baby boy. We don't know if he is "the one" yet, or not ~ we hope so.

We still wonder why we have to get our children this way. Why couldn't I just have given birth to our additional children? Had we been able to, we know we never would have served the Lord in this fashion. The experiences and blessings we have received would have been lost!

As an additional note, we not only received our two daughters this way, but we also received a son for my best friend. He was also sealed to his family at the beginning of this year. I am grateful to be an instrument in completing their family as well as our own.

Danielle Earl