I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you are creating this website. Thank you.

My name is Arlene and I live in Arizona. I have been married almost 19 years. I have had a few miscarriages; however, the most traumatic was my ectopic pregnancy.

We have tried to have children since we were married - we are one of the "strange few" who wanted a family immediately following marriage. For almost 10 yrs, we tried everything as we were directed by the Spirit, to no avail. More on this journey in my letter on infertility (still to come).

We found a fabulous RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) ... a type of infertility MD with specialization in the endocrine system. Very helpful for infertility. She was much more aggressive in treatment that a typical gynecologist. She put me on Clomid and amazingly - we conceived!

What a happy day it was when my blood test came in positive! However, it was observed the hormone counts were slightly low - so I was told to view this pregnancy with guarded optimism. Every other day my blood was drawn to monitor the hormone levels. At first, all was well - I even felt tired and a little nauseous. A few days later, the sick feeling went away. Then I started having cramping. The next blood test, the hormone level dropped - an indication of impending miscarriage.

I was instructed as what was going to happen, etc., and was to come back in two or three days for a follow up blood test to ensure the miscarriage was complete.

Well, instead of miscarrying, I began to feel nauseated again. When I went in for the blood test - I figured some miracle had happened and every thing would be all right. Not so - yes, the hormone level did increase, but not to normal levels. This is the way the levels act when there is an ectopic pregnancy. There is a particular hormone which doubles pretty much daily when there is a 'normal' pregnancy. Whenever there is a miscarriage, this number drops daily until it reaches zero. If it does not drop all the way to zero, the RE knows a D&C is necessary because the fetus has not completely evacuated the uterus. If the hormone drops and then rises again (as did mine) this is a STRONG indication it is ectopic.

My RE did a very long vaginal ultrasound (much more accurate in finding eggs on ovaries and early pregnancies than external ultrasound) looking for the sac. She could not find one. She went to the phone and scheduled me for surgery the next morning. She did all the pre-op stuff in her office that night.

The next day was terrible. I sat on the bed, crying in my husband's arms saying over and over "They are taking my baby. I am killing my baby." I was completely devastated. To top this off, this was the Friday before Mother's Day!! UGH!!

The surgery was laparoscopic. I lost my Fallopian tube because the sac was so near the uterus. Do not let anyone tell you a laperoscopy is 'easy' - you still have to recover from 4 holes cut through your abdominal wall!! Other than this, my body healed very well from the procedure. I was greatly blessed in that respect!

My emotional roller coaster went on for about a year after that. My heart was broken. I never felt angry with Father for this chain of events, only left out of the "circle of life". This tapped into my personal "not good enough" issues.

I remember sitting in Sacrament and looking at an older couple whose married children and grandchildren were visiting. Several of the grandchildren looked so much like the grandparents it was amazing. Suddenly I realized, there is no one who will ever look like us, no one. The loss I felt at that moment is indescribable.

As far as support through this - well, my husband's parents were out of the country serving a mission. My parents were great. My one brother was oblivious. My husband's sister did not give much support. Several friends who were dealing with infertility too were a fabulous support. Ward members acted like it was no big deal - we received no meals, no visits (except from the Relief Society President), no words of comfort. One sister did tell me it is no big deal, as many women have had this experience.

I felt totally alone. My husband never showed any emotion over it. I did not know if it even phased him. However, now looking back, he did work extra hours at that point - so he was probably working through his grief.

I have been very blessed. My marriage has grown stronger with our trials. We talk some things out and give each the space to work it out alone - later sharing what we have determined. There have been times the sadness is overwhelming, yet we manage to carry on. My husband does grieve differently than I do - he is quieter and tends to pour himself into work - any physical work, whereas, I am a talker (typical male - female here!), and rely on my 'emotional support system!'

I had been grieving the loss of this pregnancy - especially when I had well meaning people say it 'really wasn't anything anyway' or in the words of my RE 'it was just cells' - it became a true test of faith for me. I was feeling very left out of life. No matter what we did to have a family (remember this is a commandment for every married couple) we hit obstacles.

After much prayer and tears, I had the most wonderful, peaceful dream. I saw him in a large open field, and his name is Reuben. (He is a strong man and looks so much like my handsome husband.) He was teaching an incredibly large group of people. He looked over at me and was suddenly by my side. He looked deeply into my eyes and apparently could see the pain in my heart, and I heard the words: "Mother, I only needed to be on earth a few short days - I am needed desperately here to teach our family. It was very difficult to come back because I could tell how much you loved me and wanted me to stay. I will be with you very soon. Remember, Father wastes nothing!" I felt such peace and joy. I continue my work here (in genealogy) knowing my son is teaching on the other side of the veil. My dream about my little one... well, as you can well imagine, it is very near to my heart, but I share it with you here in the hope that it can help others.

I came to the conclusion that maybe this was as much of a body this little boy needed at this time, and that he will pick up where he left off later. I feel now that nothing is 'wasted' in the Lords' eyes, not even a pregnancy.

I cannot remember the path my heart took in healing, only that it could not have happened without the Lord. I totally trust Him and believe He will compensate me for any trauma, pain or loss I may experience in life - it is part of the atonement!

Every now and then, I think of the boy who almost was and cry. I long to hold him in my arms, look into his eyes and lead him back to Father. Every January I think of the birthday that would have been (this year would have been his 8th [1999]). I look at his cousins and wonder how they would have gotten along. And sometimes, I close my eyes and feel him near.

Thanks for letting me share,
Arlene in AZ

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