After the HPT, I went to a free clinic in my area just to double check the pregnancy. They said that I was indeed pregnant, that I was about 5 1/2 weeks along, and that I would be due around October 25th. Kirk & I were so excited! We told everyone we knew. There was not a single person whom we knew by first name that was not aware of our pregnancy. I did some research on who my new insurance would cover and selected an OBGYN. This particular Dr. actually delivered my two little sisters. I was very excited to be able to see a doctor that my mom trusted so much. So I set my first appointment for April 2nd, as directed by the schedulers.

About one week before my scheduled appointment, I went to the bathroom and noticed blood. I had read a lot about how spotting could be normal, so I didn't worry too much. I took a shower, and when I got out, I noticed blood running down my leg. This was a lot more blood than the first time, so I called my husband. I was scared to death. He told me to call the doctor and that he was on his way home from work. So I called my doctor and talked to his nurse, Cindy. I have to say that she was an angel. I spoke with her, and she told me that I would need to get in for an ultrasound that day. Then she asked me what insurance I had. It turned out that my insurance no longer covered the hospital that my OBGYN delivered at. Cindy felt horrible, and referred me to a doctor at another clinic. She let me know again that I needed to be seen that same day, and that if they would not help me to call her back and she would get me help.

I called the new doctor and talked to his nurse. She scheduled me an appointment for the following day. I called my mom in tears because of this. She told me to get back on the phone with Cindy and request another referral. So I did. Cindy gave me another referral for a doctor she said I would love. I called this new doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound for that afternoon. I called my mom who said she would meet me there. About a half hour later, Cindy called back just to make sure I had found help. This woman is truly amazing.

I went into the ultrasound absolutely scared to death. The technician had the screen turned so that I could see it, and all of her typing worried me, because I did not know what it meant. When she was done, she explained to me that my baby was only big enough to be 5 weeks along. She asked me if we could have calculated wrong, and I said, "Maybe." But I didn't really think that. She said that the other possibility was that the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. This really scared me. She sent me up to see my new doctor.

My OBGYN was amazing. He explained everything that was going on to me in great detail. He was very honest and very open and told me that I had about a 50% chance of having a miscarriage. He said that he would not know until he had been able to do some blood tests. He sent me off to the lab to get tests done and told me to come back on Friday for more blood work. He said he should get the results by Friday afternoon and that he would call me as soon as he knew anything.

So Kirk & I went home, complete emotional trainwrecks. I am a piano teacher, and I had to cancel my lessons for the night, because I just could not handle the situation. The worst part was that I did not know what was going to happen. For the next 2 days, I did my best to avoid people, but I stil managed to get about 7 congratulations on my pregnancy from people who I had not recently seen. I did not want to worry them if nothing was wrong, so I just went along with it, thanked them, gave them my due date, and everything.

Friday came. Kirk stayed home from work to go to the doctors with me. I went and had my blood drawn, then we decided to go see a movie to take my mind off things. It worked until about 3/4 of the way thru the movie when I started to cramp. The pain was incredible. Finally it was so bad that we had to leave. Kirk took me home, and I was certain that I was miscarrying.

I have never been thru a miscarriage before, so I did not know what to expect or what to do. I sat on the toilet bleeding into it for about an hour. The pain was so horrible, though, that I just wanted to die. I asked Kirk for a blessing. Right after the blessing I felt prompted to take a hot bath. I laid in the bathtub for about an hour, while we waited for my nurse to call me back. Finally the water was getting cold and very bloody. I decided that I could not handle the pain and bleeding anymore, so we were going to go to the ER. Kirk called my mom to tell her what was happening, and I took a quick shower to wash off the blood from the bath. I got out of the shower and sat on the toilet. A very large blood clot came out, and my cramps went away. I was certain that this clot must have been my child and that it was all over. So I got dressed and took a nap in an attempt to be able to fulfil the rest of my day's responsibilities. After my nap, I felt physically stable, so I left my house and went to the performance of a play for which I was the choreographer.

Saturday morning, I woke up and Kirk and I decided to go to the temple. As we were getting ready, however, I began to cramp and bleed even worse than the day before. I told Kirk that there was no way I could repeat the pain from the day before, so we loaded up and went to the ER immediately. Luckily, they got me checked in quickly and I was seen quickly. They decided to put me on an IV with pain killers and to do a pelvic exam to see if my cervix was open. While they did the pelvic exam, the placenta actually came out. The pain immediately went away. I had to stay in the hospital for several more hours to get an ultrasound and blood drawn. By the time we left, I had lost a huge amount of blood and felt very weak. The ER doctor told me to go home and get rest, but I asked him if I could go places if I promised to sit down. He agreed to that, so I was still able to go to my brother's soccer game and to closing night of the play.

On Sunday I went to church and found out that one of my friends in the ward was pregnant. Someone made the ignorant comment that "everyone in the ward was getting pregnant." She was not yet aware of my miscarriage. I choked back the tears then, but they all came out when I got home.

On Monday I had to go back into my office. Everyone that I saw asked questions like "so... any morning sickness yet?" I cried more on Monday than any other day. I felt so emotionally drained. I also felt very annoyed by people's responses. Like "It was probably for the best," or "You're young. You can always try again." My favorite though was, "Maybe you were under weight or lifted too much stuff."

Tuesday, I hid in my house. I had a horrible migraine and a huge fear of talking to people. My husband encouraged me to go to Enrichment Night, and I went. I also felt like there was some reason that I needed to go. When I got there, I discovered that they had brought in two professional massage therapists. I thought that perhaps that was why I had needed to go... to relieve some stress. Then I had the opportunity to sit by my favorite of the older women in our ward. Just being near her lifted my spirits. I thought maybe that was why I had needed to be there. Then when everything was done, one of the women came across the room to talk to me. We talked about the miscarriage, about me selling my house, and about our dogs. She was the first person in several days who hadn't treated me like I had the plague. She didn't say anything inconsiderate like, "Well, at least you will get to try again. I am sure your husband will enjoy that." She was just kind and normal. M y conversation with her was so therapeutic. I know that she was the reason I needed to go to Enrichment Night.

Today is Wednesday. 4 days after my miscarriage. Today is a good day. Today I will leave my house and confront people. I don't know how tomorrow will be, but with the Lord, my husband, and my wonderful family to support me, I know I will get through this.

Andrea and Kirk Fife
andrea.fife@utahhomes.com
Kearns, Utah