April 6, 2006

As a child, I always just assumed that someday I'd marry and have children. Here I am now at 34 years of age, my husband is 41 years of age. We were blessed to meet through an LDS singles website back in 2001, and from across country we fell in love, and married 3 days after we met in person. We're now going on 5 years. We put off trying to have a child for the first few years. My husband wanted to wait, and had many reasons to want to wait. As I look back at it, they were all very worldy reasons, but he's my husband, and I didn't want to make him have a child he wasn't ready for. Finally last year, after our 4th anniversary, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I was 33 at the time, and I have hypothyroidism... both, issues I knew could affect our pregnancy attempt. But instead, we were blessed to get pregnant in our second month of trying ! Before I took the test, I just kind of knew that I was pregnant, but upon seeing the test, I was elated!

I went to my husbands work, to share the exciting news. He was thrilled too, but asked me to get it confirmed through a physician. I did the very next day and was told by the doctor, that she thought this would be a very strong baby, because my hormones on the pregnancy test were so strong. At work one day, though... just after we shared our news... I started to get some menstral type cramps. They were so much like menstrual cramps but slightly more painful, I was concerned... so I went to the ladies room, and saw I was bleeding. I was about 5 1/2 weeks along by then. My doctor put me on a Leave of Absense, and for the next few weeks, I stayed at home, on a sort of bedrest. I was given a blessing one night on request, because my husband and I feared the loss of this baby. We explained the issue, and asked for a blessing of healing for me and the pregnancy. The Priesthood holders explained that they would give me a blessing, but wanted to be sure that I understood that this baby may not be God's will. The blessing seemed more positive though, but it was about a week later, after another doctor's appointment that my miscarriage officially began, and our baby was lost. That baby wasn't God's will. My husband and I were devastated... we cried together, and held each other. It was a few months before my husband was willing for us to try again.

Two days after this past Vaentine's day my husband said we'd try again. I was excited and thrilled. Everything I had read stated the chances of a woman miscarrying twice in a row is slim, unless there's a serious problem. I thought my chances were better of this pregnancy being a success. We were blessed this time to get pregnant on our first attempt... and on March 22 I had a positive pregnancy test... I woke my husband up in the middle of the night to share the beautiful news ! Again, he was thrilled. He came home from work the next day and bought me a Pregnancy Calendar, and gave me a kiss. We were both so happy for this new opportunity. Everything seemed okay until one day I had some bleeding... being RH negative, and having my thyroid issue I thought it best to contact the doctor. I did, and the doctor did a HCG test. The HCG was fine. We were grately relieved. The bleeding had stopped too. Almost a week later, in the middle of my 6th week... I started to bleed again. I called the doctor again. They did another HCG test, and the HCG test was still about in range, but didn't increase the way it should have. It came in at 715 when it should have been over 1100. I was told that there was a chance I was going to lose this baby too. I felt like this must be a nightmare... I thought that I had less of a chance to miscarry if I miscarried before...

I went into denial. The doctors called and said my Progesterone was low, so they put me on Progesterone Suppositories. I went home, shared the news with my husband and my in laws, and then called the elders to come and give me a blessing. The elders came, and I explained the issue to them. I have been humbled by both problem pregnancies, and understand that it is a greater duty to abide God's will than my own... even if that means losing another baby. The elders gave me a blessing... in the blessing they said that the pregnancy was in God's hands, and that in time I will be able to have children. My husband and I were in tears at the end of the blessing, because we knew for sure that this would be another loss child. The elders left, and my husband and I tried to offer comfort to one another once more. The doctors sent me back to get another HCG test...(2 days from my last one) Today, is the day it came back, and it came back as 709. So not only did my HCG not double, but it had gone down 6 points. The doctor was kind, but explained that this baby, I was also going to lose. Today is April 6th. I don't feel any pain right now, and my bleeding stopped yesterday... but the doctor says in the next week or so, my body will naturally miscarry this child. He's not sure why this has happened to me twice... but he said once I complete the miscarriage that he'll do more tests.

I can not explain the pain we feel in losing two babies. Two babies that were wanted so much. We do understand that it's God's will that this happen. We do not understand why, but perhaps we'll find out when we pass on. After my first miscarriage, I felt so much bitterness... it seemed after my first miscarriage, all the ladies around me seemed to be getting pregnant. I was bitter and jealous. I couldn't understand why them, and not us? The bitterness faded though, through service to those same ladies who I felt bitter and jealous towards. Service can overcome a lot I've learned. If nothing else comes from these losses, I've learned that at least.

I have named both of the children... my first pregnancy which would have been due April 29th of this year, I named William Augustus. I felt he definitely would have been a boy. This current pregnancy that I'll miscarry soon I feel would have been a girl, I've named her Lily Evangeline. she would have been born November 27 of this year.

We will try again... this summer perhaps. We are praying for a miracle at this point. We've also faced the reality that maybe we're not met to have children in this life. In both of our Patriarichal Blessings, it doesn't mention children... and so we're left to wonder. Adoption we've considered but the reality is we just don't have the funds to do an adoption, and the other issue is our age. What is the purpose of a life without children? Service, I'm guessing? Is a family still a family if there are no children? We both know that Our Heavenly Father loves us, and we understand that there is a purpose in all of this. In time we'll understand that too I suppose. We are both humbled by this experience... and hopeful for next time.

Pray for us. We say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

--Chris in CA

Update! 11-06-06

It's funny how life works out.

After losing our second pregnancy this past April. My bleeding from the miscarriage ended about April 14th or so. I knew from my last miscarriage that it would be only a few weeks before I would get my first menstrual cycle again... and so I checked a calendar, and counted the days, and figured about when I could expect my new period to start. After both miscarriages, I was eager to move forward to some sort of normal thing... and a period was it... it meant I could try again after a few cycles... and so it gave me hope.

Weeks passed... and no period. My husband and I made love a couple of times... out of habit I marked those days on the calendar... but in early May I had an inspired feeling that I should take a pregnancy test. Well I quickly put that thought out of my mind... I waited another week or two... and when still no period came, I felt inspired again to take a pregnancy test. Well it seemed foolish... but then I logically considered the situation... and thought maybe my period isn't coming due to a mental block. After two miscarriages... I didn't think that would be so unusual. I figured if I take the pregnancy test, and visually see that I am not pregnant, maybe that would be the trigger for my mental block to pass, and my period to come.

Only thing is... I took the test... and it was Positive !! I was pregnant... again !

Now I know the first pregnancy passed... but my doctor was afraid this was residual from an incomplete miscarriage. So he immediately had me come back in for more tests. Well we did a simple HCG test... and an ultrasound... and it was indeed a new pregnancy, not left over from the second miscarriage as he orginally thought.

But then he also implied getting pregnant right after a miscarriage, means that there's a chance that I'd lose this pregnancy just because I didn't give the uterus time to heal from the last pregnancy. That along with my miscarriage history... it didn't look likely this third pregnancy would last.

All the same... I decided that I was going to do everything with in my power to see that I do what I can to help this pregnancy along.

The second pregnancy... I knew there was not enough progesterone... and so they had given me suppositories that didn't work. I asked my doctor about taking progesterone again to try to help this pregnancy... and he seemed negative but finally agreed and offered me the suppositories again. I explained that last time... they just didn't work... and so I asked him if I could try the progesterone creme. Well he agreed, and gave me a prescription for it.

Anyway, after many hurdles just to get the medicine... we were finally blessed and able to get the medicine. By then I was about 7 weeks along, which is when I started to lose my other pregnancies.

Well the medicine seemed to work... I had no bleeding, no problems. It did cause some terrible side effects... one of those being a yeast infection that wouldn't go away until I got off the progesterone... (which would be the second trimester if I made it that far.)

Well long story short... I am again well into the third trimester of my third pregnancy. I am due January 7th, which means we concieved on Easter Sunday, April 16th.

That is literally 1 or 2 days after I stopped bleeding from my second miscarriage. By the time I learned of the third pregnancy I was about 6 weeks along, which was about how far along I was in the second pregnancy before I lost that pregnancy.

Now, I'm not sure if I told before... of the dream I had the night of Easter Sunday... but that dream... was the dream that let me know this baby was meant to be... I only had no idea that she was concieved that very night. Maybe my body knew... but this baby was a miracle all the way around.

Anyway, we know we're having a little girl. We know she's due January 7th. We couldn't be more excited.

And yes, I do still think about the baby that was due November 27th. But I kind of have a feeling that this baby coming January 7th, is the same little spirit.

So that's our update.

Now I realize, not everyone gets pregnant after a miscarriage, and I realize that if you do, it's not a good start for a new pregnancy... so if anyone else reads this... please realize that this was just what God had planned out for us.

And for everyone it's individual, different, and special. After all we all are children of God, but we all have different trials to go through in this life. And different blessings too.

--Chris in CA

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