Miscarriage and Stillbirth
When we found out we were pregnant in June of 2006 we were shocked! We had been married for 7 years and only used birth control for 4 months (3 of those months were due to medical reasons) and we just did not get pregnant easily. We were blessed with a beautiful son in 2001 after using Clomid for 4 months. He did not come into this world easy though. I ended up having an emergency C-Section but after all was said and done we had a perfect baby. We hoped to have more children; our plan was to have 4 children all 2 years apart. It's funny how you plan things out in your mind but the way they actually happen can be completely different. I had gone to girls camp and when I came back home I felt a little sick. I figured that I was just worn out. I don't always have regular periods, so if I didn't start it was pretty normal. It was not normal for me to feel sick though, so I took a pregnancy test one morning and was so excited when it came out positive. I immediately went and told my husband. We had pretty much thought we would not have any more children-- our son was 5 and we had figured he was going to be our only one. We always wanted more children, but felt extremely blessed to have him. We were both so excited we just sat and cried and hugged each other. We told everyone! Everyone was so excited for us, they knew how bad we wanted to be pregnant.
My pregnancy was perfect, I only threw up once. I felt a little queasy at times but nothing to keep me down. We found out at 20 weeks that we were having a girl. I felt that life could not get any better. It was so fun planning for a baby again. We had everything ready. Her diaper bag was packed and her clothes were washed and in size order hanging in the closet. We decided on the name Breanna Marie and were eagerly awaiting her arrival. On January 9, 2007 I was really tired and came home from church and went straight to bed. That night my son threw up in the middle of the night. When I got up with him and then lay back down, I did not feel Breanna move, but I did not think much of it. The next morning I still did not feel her move. I figured she had just ran out of room. I had my last check up before delivery that morning and figured all would be ok. I drank some orange juice and thought that would help her to move. My husband went to work, never did we think anything was wrong. Breanna was always moving so much, but again I never thought anything was seriously wrong. I was only a week away from my scheduled C-Section, nothing could go wrong now.
I went to my appointment and when I sat down I told the nurse that I had not felt her move that I could remember since yesterday. She started to listen for her heartbeat. At first she could not find it, which was normal, because Breanna was usually moving so much, we could hear her kicking, but it would take a few minutes to find her heartbeat because of all the movement. After a few minutes though I began to worry and to cry. She suggested that we go and do an ultrasound with the doctor just to make sure everything was ok.
I remember the tech was there first and she was asking me how my Christmas had been and all I could think was, quit trying to change the subject to make me feel better just tell me what is going on. My doctor and his nurse came in. The nurse held my hand and as soon as they put the ultrasound wand on my stomach I knew. I looked at that screen and I could see our baby and her heart and it was not beating. I was screaming. He asked if he could look again just to be sure, but she was gone. I was crying, saying but we wanted her so bad. My doctor held me as I cried and I think I even pounded on his back. I said I need to call my husband, but how am I going to tell him that our little girl is gone, how am I going to tell our son that his sister is not coming home with us.
When I got to the doctor's office, I called my husband, and I had to tell him over the phone. He rushed to the office from work. I was worried about him the whole time. I knew that he would be driving fast to get to me. He was just as devastated. He held me and we cried and told each other that it was going to be ok. My mom came immediately as well--she was such a rock for us. My husband called his mom and she too came right away. I found out at about 10 am that morning and by 4 pm on January 10, 2007 I had a C-Section. Afterwards my doctor explained that I had a plecental abruption and that there was blood in the membranes. He said that sometimes these things happen, and for no reason.
My doctor and the hospital staff were amazing! They let us take Breanna with us back to our room. After a while they took her and bathed her and brought her back. We got to love on her and hold her. She was perfect... she was going to be here in 8 days, how could this happen? I looked over her whole body. I wanted to remember what she looked like. She looked just like her brother. We dressed her in the outfit that we were going to bring her home from the hospital in. We put on a bracelet that her aunt had made, and we wrapped her in the blanket her grandma had bought her and that we planned on using on her blessing day. We took several pictures and just tried to soak in the moment. Heavenly Father had given us the most beautiful baby, if only for a short time.
That was on Wednesday. On Saturday we had a funeral for her. So many people came. Family flew and drove many miles and friends from the ward and stake were there to show their support for us. I truly believe that Breanna was just too perfect to come to this world, she needed a body and we gave her that. I know that we will be with her again, and I look foward to that day. Our son has dealt with everything really well. He prays for Breanna in Heaven and he always includes her when he draws our family picture.
It has been six months now, and as I type this it is still hard and I shed tears, but I am thankful for the blessings that our family has received. Right before we lost Breanna, my husband began to have really bad neck pain. They gave him x-rays but did not find anything. The pain began to go away, but after Breanna died, because of all of the stress and crying his neck pain came back even worse then before. They gave him an MRI of his neck, and just happened to get a little high and they found something on his brain.
So on January 18th, the day Breanna was supposed to be here, we found out that my husband had a brain tumor on his pituitary gland. When we first found out, all that we knew is that it was a growth on his brain. I thought to myself, I can not do this now. Why is this happening? Come to find out that his tumor is treatable with medication, and because it has to do with his hormones, this could be a major part of why we have a hard time getting pregnant.
The pain in his neck actually had nothing to do with his tumor. The registers at his work were too low, and since he has raised them up he has had no pain. The radioligist who looked at his scans did a very good job finding this tumor, since he was only supposed to look at his neck. Had we not lost Breanna, we may have not ever found out about his tumor since the pain had gone away. Breanna could have very well saved her daddy's life or saved him from going blind, which is a side effect of this kind of tumor. I remember sitting in the car in December right around Christmas just crying as I thanked my Heavenly Father for my wonderful husband, our beautiful son, our first home, and our daughter that was about to be here. Then as I lay in the hospital after having Breanna, I remember thinking, I just wish my life would fast foward 6 months so that maybe I could feel better. Well, 6 months have passed, and I can tell you that I feel just as blessed today as I did that day in December sitting in my car.
I am ok with Breanna's death, I am not mad or bitter. I don't completely understand but one day I will. I am thankful that she chose us to be her parents. We feel truly blessed to be her mom and dad. Without the Gospel and help of family and friends, this experience would have been impossible to go through. We have received so much support from everyone. My doctor is truly amazing, and I feel blessed that he is my doctor.
We will try again to have more children and feel that we will. It will be scary but I know, because of blessings we have received, that we will be able to add to our family. Since January, two of my sister-in-laws have had healthy baby girls, and there have been about 7 or 8 babies born in the ward with more on the way. I am truly happy for these women, but often feel like I have empty arms. My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ has been strengthened and I know that we will see our little girl again.
Erin in Texas