Four years ago I found out that I was going to have a baby. My husband and I were delighted and we so looked forward to being parents. I imagined my baby inside me - I loved to read books to find out how big she was and what she could do. I believed I was going to have a little girl and I wanted to name her Heather.

I was only about nine weeks pregnant when I found that I was bleeding. I told my husband straight away and I remember how scared he looked and how his voice shook as he told me he was taking me to hospital. It was cold outside and it was snowing and I thought how totally unreal this all felt. I was so afraid.

I lost the baby. I had a fibroid - a growth on my womb, practically unheard of in Britain for a woman as young as I was. I blamed the doctors for not being able to help. I blamed family and friends for saying the wrong things and not really understanding. I blamed nurses for not telling me what was happening. Most of all I blamed myself.

They took the baby out of my womb in the hospital. The night after she was gone I had a dream. In the hospital ward I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. There was no labour pain and I remember hearing her cry - a strong and healthy cry. There are two things I remember most though. Firstly I felt the soft part of her little tummy, soft and warm. And I remember how she smelled - so new and clean and warm and wonderful. I woke up happy thinking I could hear her cry and I was confused to realise I had dreamed.

For a long time I would cry at night. My husband was such a great strength to me, but all I wanted was to have my baby back - not any other baby - just Heather. To make things harder, I was inactive in the church at the time. I thought that Heavenly Father had let me down and wondered if I was being punished by him. I was angry at Him and I was afraid to pray.

Three years ago I had a baby boy. I was terrified all through my pregnancy - any joy in being pregnant was gone. I thought I would never be able to give birth to this baby either. But my fears were unfounded, and he was born safe and healthy and I was overwhelmed by love for him. It was after he was born that I realised that Heavenly Father had never and would never turn his back on me - it was me who had turned away from Him. Just as a parent could never forget a child. I started attending my church meetings again after my son was born. I learned that I needed to be strong if I hoped to be with my family forever and if I hoped to one day see my Heather.

Last year I became pregnant again. And again I started to bleed. I felt all of the familiar fear and hurt again. I wanted this baby so much. This time I asked for a blessing, and I think just knowing I wasn't alone helped me. I knew that I might never be able to have this baby but that I would see it again. And I also knew that we wouldn't have to go through the terror of pregnancy alone again.

In March this year we were blessed again by the birth of our second little son. I am so grateful for my boys' lives and for the short time I had to know my little girl.

I believe some spirits are too perfect for this earth.

This is my testimony: that Heavenly Father loves us all and has provided a way that we can be together forever. I know this church is true and I am grateful for the strength I gain from being a member of it.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Your Sister,
Jane Christie

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