I've written my story before, but it doesn't seem to get any easier. In October 1996, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant for the second time. We hadn't been trying, but we were both very happy. Our oldest son, Michael, was 18 months when we found out, and we thought two years apart was enough. We also hoped that this would help ease some grief in my husband's family. He had lost his mother 2 months earlier. This was good news. A week after we found out, we went in for a sonogram to see how far along I was. It was then that we found out we were having twins! We couldn't believe it! Twins were not in my family. We drove home in shock. The more we thought about it, the more excited we became. We had the opportunity to drive to Utah to see some family and to take my younger brother to the MTC. Everyone was thrilled for us.

The pregnancy continued normally. In fact I was healthier this time around. We found out in February 1997 that we were having two more boys. I remember feeling a brief moment of disappointment that I wasn't having a girl. But that feeling soon disappeared, and I was thrilled. We named our two boys Joshua David and Jacob Daniel. Things were moving along well, and I was becoming bigger daily. We had moved in with my parents so that they could help out for a while. We started to get things ready. On April 24, 1997, at 33 weeks, my labor pains started. Since we were 7 weeks early, the hospital stopped my labor and sent me home. I didn't think that they'd made the right decision, but I trusted them. Three days later, I started to feel very strange. I was light headed and sick to my stomach. I couldn't move. By that night, I knew something was wrong. I was in terrible pain. I felt like something was being ripped from my back. We went to the hospital the next day, and I was having labor pains again. I was told that the pain in my back was a pinched nerve. I knew that was wrong. The doctor at the hospital was not my regular doctor and I begged to talk to her. They wouldn't let me. They stopped my labor again, but monitored me a little longer before sending me home. I knew that something was terribly wrong. That night, when I was in bed, I felt like the boys were fighting with each other. I smiled, hoping that they were telling me that everything was going to be OK.

On April 30, 1997, at 1:30 in the afternoon, my water broke. I knew a terrible feeling of terror. I knew something was not right. We got to the hospital about an hour later, and they put the monitors on me. The nurse found Joshua's heartbeat right away. They never found Jacob's. They did a sonogram. It's an image that is burned into my mind forever. My precious son was gone. I remember my heart stopping, or at least it felt like it. I was prepped for my c-section.

Joshua was born first, screaming at the top of his lungs. He weighed 5lbs 7ozs, which is very big for a twin born 6 1/2 weeks early. I remember holding my breath when Jacob was born, praying that it was a mistake. But there was no sound. The doctors told me later that he had probably died 2 days earlier, the night that I felt the two "fighting."

I had so much support in the recovery room. My mother rocked little Jacob since I couldn't get out of bed to do it. She told me later that she could feel his spirit hovering around her. My bishop came, as well as another brother who had been my bishop through my teenage years. They helped my Dad give Jacob a name and a blessing. We spent some time alone with Jacob after that. We don't know what happened to him. My dad told me that he went home that night and prayed and while he was praying he had this feeling come over him. He knew, just as I know now, that Jacob died so that his brother would live.

I know that Jacob had another mission. My husband is not a member of the church. In fact he was raised very anti-Mormon. I know that he is being a missionary to all of my husband's relatives on the other side. My dad told me that the last time he went through the temple, he had a very strong impression that my mother-in-law has accepted the gospel. And I know that my son helped to teach her.

Joshua is now a happy, healthy two year old. We have never had a problem with him. But I still can't look at him and not wonder what it would be like to have both of them. We're now trying to have another baby, and I pray daily for the blessing of twins again.

Thank you so much for listening to my story. It helped just to write about it.

Jessica Brandes

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