Thank you all for sharing your stories. I'd like to share mine and I hope that others will find comfort through my story.

My husband and I married in April 1993. Everyone told us to wait before having children, but we felt so prompted to try to start our family at just 7 months of marriage. By month 9 we were pregnant with our son, born November 1994.

By 1996 we were ready for another. We tried for 2 years to no avail. In December 1998 I was 2 days late and took a test, faint, but positive nonetheless. The next day I had what they like to call a "Heavy Period." I was told, "This happens a lot more than women realize, an egg will get fertilized but not implant and then spontaneously abort". They used those words, "spontaneously abort". Unbelievable.

My husband, being in the Army, was leaving in March 1999 for a hardship tour in Korea. That means his family can't go. I had 4 days from the end of my period until the time I put him on the plane. I then went to visit my mother in Oregon for what was supposed to be a short visit. 4 weeks later I discover I'm pregnant. Doctor confirms, JOY!

The end of May hits and I'm spotting. A Vaginal Ultrasound shows "abnormalities." They say, "We'll just have to wait and see". The next day, not knowing what's happening, I stand up to go to the bathroom and run to the bathroom, hoping I make it. I almost did. Ugh - I can still hear the sounds of the fluids hitting the floor. My mother and sister take care of me as I scream and cry, sitting there with my world falling out of me and there's not one thing I can do to stop it. The baby I pass is what's referred to as a mole, a group of cells looking like tapioca pudding. 2 weeks go by and I'm still bleeding. The doctor tells me it should end soon, "It's not heavy enough to worry about."

I am about to go out with my brother but I need to go to the bathroom first. I pass another fetus. This one is developed to the point that it has arm and leg buds and what I'll assume was the head. I ask the doctor what's going on. Her reply is, "Likely it was twins fighting for survival and they both lost." I am expected to find comfort in how efficient my body is, that it knew it was a "bad" pregnancy and terminated it on its own! Well, aren't I the lucky one...

My husband came home last March. We spent a few months getting to know each other all over before trying again. Try we did and we succeeded the first month! Pregnant at last! 8 weeks into it the spotting starts. Monday, I'm brought in for an ultrasound. They find the sac and it looks good, and my cervix is closed, but wait it only looks like it's 6 weeks developed. No-no, I tell them, I am at least 9 weeks pregnant according to tests. But still, I don't want to get hung up on details, so I let it go. Oh! I see the heart beating! It's OK, the heart is beating, it's alive! Thursday comes and I pass a large blood clot. The doctor does a pelvic and informs me that the cervix is totally closed but seeping blood. I have a 50-50 chance. By evening I am passing pink and grayish matter. Some 50-50.

3 pregnancies, 4 babies. What is wrong with me? I feel defective. I'm angry and I need help. So this past Saturday, December 30, 2000, my husband and I attend the temple.

What follows is my conversation with God. His answers are in ():

Help me understand. Help me know what to do. Should I just give up?
(no)

Why? What's the point of getting pregnant if they are just going to be taken away?
(because, you are exercising your faith)

What?!
(Each time you try, you exercise your faith and willingness to "Let Thy Will Be Done". Remember the blessings you've received on this matter.")

These words didn't come as a still small voice and they didn't come as a great booming either. They were loud and clear and only for me to see. I have been studying, looking for answers and thinking about my previous blessings. I have no doctrine to back me up, but I believe those children are mine. I don't know if I'll have them in this life or the next, but I know they are sealed to me.

My blessings have told me that God is pleased with me and my desires to have more children. He tells me that these desires are righteous and that I will have more children, but that they are being saved for a time when they will be needed to be an example to those around them.

So what answers have I received? A knowledge that I want my babies and I will go through this again and again until I have them or the doctors tell me I can't. We are currently waiting 6 months and the doctors are testing us for possible causes. I think more than anything I must revert to the Serenity prayer:

God grant me the ability to change the things that I can, let go of the things that I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. (paraphrased)

I might also add, please grant me the patience to accept these things and find peace.

I leave my testimony that I know God lives and loves me. I know that when I cry, he cries with me. I know when my Lord and Savior suffered my afflictions, He suffered these losses as well and He knows my pain. Last but not least: I thank the Lord for my son. Each day I look into his beautiful face and I'm finally realizing what a joy and a real blessing he is. I have so much more appreciation for my son. I'm softer now when I have to teach him a lesson. I'm kinder in my tone and I hope I am showing him and my Heavenly Father that I realize what a miracle these children are, and I thank my Father in heaven for the gift of my son.

Lynette Byington
nettentoad@yahoo.com
Fort Bragg, NC

4-8-2002 I thought I'd write an update.

I had 2 more pregnancy losses in 2001 and my husband and I finally decided that we were done trying. Done with the heartache and felt that I physically have had about all I can take. It is now April 7, 2002. I am 19 weeks pregnant. This was not a choice we made, but one made for us. I asked my husband why, when I felt I had the faith of Job, I would have to suffer so much pain. I told him that I thought "faith precedes the miracle." So, why now, after I had lost my faith in the possibility of other children, would I be blessed? His response was interesting.

"All of us will have the opportunity to have our faith tested to its very limits and as long as we are faithfu, we are tested to help us to grow. After my faith had faltered was the time for God to show me that it really is His will and not mine." He also gave me a blessing at one point and I was informed that there are some spirits that simply require a body and that I had been chosen as a vessel for giving that gift to those children.

I am still trying to understand all of this but above anything else, I am thankful. I have just begun to feel movement. The baby particularly enjoys kicking my bladder (especially when it's full and in her way). Funny that a personality is coming through even now.

I know that not everyone has the happy ending. I just wanted to show that there are happy endings sometimes. I hope that this might be of some comfort to someone who is just beginning down that painful road.

--Lynette
nettentoad@yahoo.com

9-17-02

I wanted to write and update you on our pregnancy.

Micah Annabelle Byington
August 19, 2002
8 pounds 12 ounces
20 3/4 inches

She is beautiful, perfect, and well worth the wait and effort to get her here. As I sat in the hospital room with her in my arms, some amazing thoughts came through my mind. Faith really does precede the miracle. As I looked in her beautiful face I began to cry. I then told her how glad I was she came to our family. I can't believe I almost missed out on having her because I couldn't do it anymore. I will also say that I can now relate a little to what Alma the Younger felt; As great as my sorrow was, that great and greater is my joy now. It is absolutely amazing to me the profound healing found in my little bundle of joy. I thank Heavenly Father every minute for knowing better than I just how strong I am and just how much I would go through to have my little darling. I will tell you, beyond any doubt, I would do it again because she's worth at LEAST that much.

Love to you and thank you for all of your support.

Love,
Lynette Byington

nettentoad@yahoo.com
Fort Rucker, AL

[email address updated, 3-06!]

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