It all started in August 1998, when I learned that I was pregnant for the third time. I have two boys, Brandon (now 4) and Nephi (now 2). We also have my husband's children living with us, ages 9 and 7. When I learned that I was expecting again we were all thrilled. I anticipated each day, month, everthing. I love being pregnant and we have wanted a large family. We were planning on having an unassisted birth, and were looking forward to that special time where David could catch the baby.

When I was at 14 weeks gestation, I noticed that my uterus was soft. I thought this was strange, yet tried not to think anything of it. A week later, I noticed some very very light spotting. This concerned me, and after three days I told my husband that I wanted to go to the hospital for an ultrasound, as I felt that things were not right.

We dropped the two older ones off at a member's house so that they could go to church and we took the two younger ones with us. Once at the hospital, in the exam room, the nurse used the doppler to try to find the heartbeat. She thought she heard it. We had to wait a while for the doctor to get called in (it was a small hospital). Finally they were ready to give me an ultrasound and as they did I could see the baby, yet he was not moving. I thought this was strange. Then they tried to pick up the heartbeat and they couldn't. It took them quite a while. I knew from previous sonograms what they were looking for. I knew that my baby was dead!

I tried to hold back the tears and was telling myself that I was wrong. The Doctor and the tech would not tell me anything, yet they still wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound. I was then ushered into another room where the doctor told me that I just lost my baby. He said that the ultrasound showed the baby at 10 weeks gestation. He then did a pelvic exam and told me that my cervix was still closed and if I had not started to bleed in a couple of days that he wanted to do a D&C.

Going home I told David that I was not having a D&C and that we could deliver the baby ourselves. I was in a state of shock. That whole day I just cried, knowing that my baby inside of me was dead. How could this be? I was very healthy and was doing things right. We called our Bishop over and he gave me a blessing. He told us that this spirit wanted to come back down and as soon as I felt up to it, to try again, so that this spirit could have a body and live with us.

What a blessing this was, that our child was coming to us again, and that it was not a total loss.

I carried this baby for another week and finally on Dec 5, 1998 at 10:00 p.m. I started to bleed a lot. (I had been praying that when the time came, it would be at night so that the kids would be in bed). There was no pain, yet it took about an hour and I delivered our baby. We thought that it was probably a girl so we decided to call her Baby Rose, as a white pure rose reminds me of her.

Everything was fine during the delivery. Towards the end I started to hemmorhage and go into shock, yet with uterine massage and after passing another blood clot I felt really good.

We put the baby in a container and put her in the fridge. Two days later I decided that we needed to bury her so I made a little coffin for her. I picked her up and held her in my hand. She was so small and whole. I don't know who can say that they are not babies. She had her tiny toes and fingers and I could even see her tiny tongue. She was lovely... She was still too small to tell the sex, yet we felt she was a girl. It was so hard to put her in the ground, and I felt a piece of me go with her. I miss her so much.

David then left a month afterwards to go to another state to work. In the back of my mind I thought, "How are we going to bring this spirit back down here if he's gone?" Heavenly Father always has a way of doing things. David was gone from Jan 99 to Aug 99. In April I decided that the kids and I were going to go down to see him. (This was the only time we saw each other in the whole 7 months). We planned it so that I would be ovulating when I got there.

Well, things did not turn out like I was hoping as I was still on my period when I arrived. I was only there for a week. I told David that it wasn't going to work, as by the time I left it would be just 4 days after my period. We decided to try on the last day just in case. I returned home and waited the alotted time to pass until my next period. I was a couple of days late and decided to take a home pregnancy test. The result was POSITIVE!!! I was shocked. This spirit was here again for the second time.

A couple of weeks later I went in to see my Bishop for a blessing, as I was worried that I would miscarry again. What a wonderful, spiritual blessing it was. I was told that it was the same spirit as before, yet it was a boy!

I was thrilled. I was told that this pregnancy would be great and there would be a complication with the delivery, yet the baby and I would be fine. I was told that I was to raise this boy as the women of old did. He went on to say other things, yet I KNEW that I was going to have this baby and he was going to be fine and I would raise him here on earth! What a comfort. Because of this knowledge I started telling people about my pregnancy.

David was thrilled when I told him as so were the kids. We all talked about our little "Moroni" that would be in our family soon. When I passed 14 weeks I felt relieved. I knew I was doing good . Then I hit 16 weeks--one week before that I couldn't feel my uterus anymore (just like last time) and a week later I had very, very light spotting.....the same as before.

I called to get a blessing one Sunday and I was told that everything would be okay. The blessing was very general. I still felt good after that, thinking that all was well with the baby. I decided not to go in for an ultrasound as I would find out sooner or later if the baby was alive or dead. I told David, and we were bolth relieved because of this blessing. That day I started having contractions. (I have never done this before as I was induced with both boys). I tried to lie down and relax yet they did not go away. I started getting the bathroom ready with lots of towels and a large bowl. I put my almost 4-year old to bed and my 6 1/2 year old and 26 month old were still up. All of a sudden I started to bleed and I knew what was happening. My spirits were good as I was home alone and had things I needed to concentrate on. I went in the bathroom and this time it was just like a real delivery. I pushed for 1/2 an hour, as the placenta was still attached. I kept on telling Heavenly Father that we needed to speed this up, as I had two other kids to take care of. Finally I delivered him in the sac. I clamped down my uterus after baby and placenta were delivered, and once the bleeding started to slow, I got the two kids in bed and then continued clamping my uterus down.

David called right after I delivered and he asked what I was doing. I told him that I just gave birth. He was shocked and helpless as he knew I was home all by myself and he was not home to support and help me. He told me that he was coming home. As it is a 14 hour drive, I told him to stay there since it was all over. Once I gained my strength back I started to clean up and I took the sac off the baby. My little son. How perfect he was. He was indeed a little boy. I could not see anything wrong with him, yet the cord was small. It looked like he was not getting nourishment. This time I took pictures so that I could remember what he looked like. I held him and touched him. I thought how I was the only one he knew. Since his daddy wasn't home, I was the only one who talked to him, rubbed my belly, and now mine were the only hands to ever physically touch him. What a blessing this was. I was so grateful that I didn't go to the hospital and that with both times I was able to have the baby at home.

I don't understand what happened with the blessing. I had so much faith that the first blessing was true... yet my boy still died. Sometimes I wonder how I could ever believe in blessings again. I just wish I knew why Heavenly Father changed His mind about letting me raise my little Moroni. I am learning to accept it and to know that I might never get an answer. His due date was Jan 5, 2000. As I sit and write this I think how I could have had him in my arms by now if everything worked out.

It is so hard to be around others. You get the old, "Well you are young and can have more!" Whether or not I can, it doesn't matter. I wanted this one. People tend to treat miscarriages lightly and not as real as a stillborn. They are all the same!!! A loss is a loss. I don't care what gestation the baby was.

Both Rose and Moroni are buried next to each other on the side of our house. When spring comes, we will plant a white rose bush there so that we can remember them. It was so very hard to have to put my babies in the ground. I also made a plaque to honor (Rose) Moroni. It is hard to think that there are the two separate bodies yet it was the same spirit that housed both these bodies. On the plaque is a letter to him from us telling him how strong he is for trying to come to our family two times, and how much we love him. There is also a picture of him hanging in our hallway with the other family pictures. It is so hard going through this, yet I know that I can and have been able to help others who are also losing a child.

We have been trying again with no luck. I just hate it when evey month I get my period. I truly want my son. I am praying hard that he will get another chance to come to our home. It is interesting how my 4 year old talks about him every so often. Just two nights ago, he told he that he asked Heavenly Father if Moroni can live with us again. A child's faith!! I know that Heavenly Father knows best and I will do His will even if I don't understand it.

I am trying to hold on. I guess I am a person that does things sometimes just because I am supposed to. My testimony is strong, yet I still wonder what ever happened with this blessing. I truly feel that I caused this last miscarriage. Sometimes I wasn't so careful--my two year old would love to jump across me and sometimes would jump on my stomach. People have told me that it can't be my fault, yet I still can not shake this feeling. "If only..." is all I can say.

I do so very much miss my little boy!! Please, Moroni, come back to us if you can. We love and miss you.

Lynnda

Index
Home