Almost two weeks later, I miscarried. I knew the moment I saw blood what was going on. My sister-in-law had miscarried twice over the summer, and I knew enough about the medical details of her experience to realize that my situation was not good. I called the doctor, and was told that it was probably due to an internal exam I had had the day before, but to call them back immediately after work. By that evening, the bleeding was heavier. I called the doctor back, who made an emergency appointment for the next day--and then I finally let myself cry.

The following day I was poked, prodded and scoped by well-meaning doctors and nurses who wanted me to hold out hope--the bleeding wasn't too much, the cramps weren't bad, the ultrasound was inconclusive, the hormone level was low, but they had no basis comparison--I would have to wait for Monday to get my results, but it didn't look good. I went home crying once more, this time in complete exhaustion and despair. We had been so excited about this pregancy, so eager to become parents, and even though I wasn't angry, I couldn't help feeling sad.

Still, for some reason, I couldn't get the last doctor we had been to out of my head. When he drew my blood, he made the comment to my husband and me, "Hmmm . . . blood test. Does that mean the lady gets a big ring this year?" And he grinned while we looked at him stupidly. Once home, I finally realized that he had simply seen a young couple completely wrapped in each others' arms coming in to get blood drawn and just assumed that we were getting married soon--not that we had just lost a baby. This suddenly struck me as so funny, and I began to laugh with my husband in spite of our pain. I felt silly about it--how could I be laughing at a time like this?--but it was almost though somewhere deep inside something said to me, "Go on! It's okay. Laugh. Live. Enjoy your life." It was then that I realized that if I could still laugh at the lowest point in my life, with His help I could bear it. So I invited my sister-in-law (the one who had miscarried twice only months before) and her husband over, and the four of us, instead of dwelling on our grief, spent the night cheering each other up with spiritual thoughts (and chocolate!), looking forward to the future, and just being grateful for each others' company.

By the time the new blood test results came back on Monday and confirmed that I had lost the baby, I felt so much peace. Oddly, I had never thought to be angry or to question "why me?"--why NOT me? I am no different than anyone else. If anything, I have been more blessed than most with a wonderful husband, job, family, etc. When much is given, much is required, and if anything, this was a chance for me to learn to sacrifice my own strong will to His. I had asked in every prayer since my pregnancy was confirmed for the faith to accept His will, and my prayers were answered with a peace I had not thought possible in such disappointment.

It's been only 1 week since then. [Oct '02] As miscarriages go, mine is "easy"--no surgery, a minimum of pain and bleeding, and the overwhelming support of a loving Heavenly Father, husband, family, and friends. Until I hold my own child in my arms for the first time--and I know I will someday!--I'll have that sorrow in my heart. That's something that I will have to come to terms with, as everyone around me at work and church seems to be experiencing the joys of motherhood and pregnancy. But I have learned so much gratitude, love, faith, and understanding from this experience that I can honestly say I'm thankful for having gone through the heartache.

--anonymous