What a wonderful site to help parents with loss. Our story is hard to tell, but since I am on my way to healing...well, I'd love to share.

In January of 1997, we found out to our surprise that I was pregnant with baby #4!! We could hardly believe our luck, as we hadn't been trying. There were lots of mixed emotions because of each of our earlier pregnancies had gotten harder and harder with more and more complications, two of them ending with preemie babies (2 and 3 pounds respectively) and the other being a macrosomia baby...(overdue 3 weeks, weighing in at over 10 pounds and 24 inches!!) We counted our blessings and began adjusting to the idea of another.

Dream after dream........both my husband and I had dreamt of another son, with such a calming spirit it was amazing. When I went to my 3rd monthly checkup my OB-GYN couldn't find any heart tones and my heart plummeted into the pit of my stomach as I feared the worst. I went to the hospital, but to my happy surprise, they found the heart beating away! Boy were we thrilled! We also found out that I had placenta previa - so much for the idea of a normal birth!

All went well until my 26th week......my son went on vacation with my in-laws and my two younger daughters had gone over to my friend's house.....a whole weekend for just my husband and I. Saturday morning I awoke in labor. Kind of weird for me as I had never actually done the labor part before. (I had 3 previous c-sections). A little worried, I got ready to go to the hospital to get checked out. When we got there, nurse after nurse tried to find heart tones with no success. I got a little worried, but soon the Doctor came and did a sonogram. Having had two previous fetal distress deliveries, I assumed another preemie was well on his or her way. This sweet Doctor, with tears in his eyes, could only say, "I'm so sorry. Your baby is gone." I cannot describe that exact moment, as my heart had fallen right out from under me. I had not prepared myself for the loss of this beautiful child.

We were given the choices of having a late term abortion, laboring through, or c-section. We chose to labor through and deliver our precious baby. This was one of the most painful and hard things I have ever done! 12 hours later, we had our beautiful daughter placed in our arms to say our goodbyes. It was very hard. Rebecca Renee looked so much like her siblings that I was in a state of shock. She weighed in at 1 pound, 1 ounce, and 11 inches. The hospital wrapped her in a beautiful afghan, size appropriate, with a bonnet and booties. We spent about 2 1/2 hours with her, holding and touching this precious spirit.

Our bishopric came to visit us and gave her a name and a blessing. It was beautiful to feel the spirit so close to all of us. It is amazing what blessings our Heavenly Father gives us!

We buried our baby 10 days later, near my Great-grandparents and my younger sister who passed on 10 years ago. Those 10 days between Rebecca's birth/death and burial were hard to face. I found a small white dress and booties and my friend made a bonnet for her to be buried in. My parents were unable to come, as they were overseas. The day before the service my husband and I went to the mortuary and were able to hold her once more before she was buried. We wrapped her in a small blanket and said our goodbyes. We had a simple graveside service. My father-in-law dedicated her grave and gave a short talk. It was very hard and I had a very hard time grieving. I stayed numb as much as possible - it was like it had never happened. Only our immediate family and I knew what had happened.

The world continued to move on and there was quite a bit of emptiness that seemed to envelop our family. It was hard not to be angry, but I still had other children and a husband who needed me, and so little by little I got unnumbed, picked up my bootstraps and tried to make each day brighter. It is hard. VERY HARD. How do you tell a 5-year-old that there would be no new baby.......How do you answer the "How is the new baby?" question for the umpteenth time? Thank heavens for a gospel that teaches us where we came from and where we are going. I guess for our family it has given us a reason to work that much harder, seeing as now we have someone holding seats for us!

I read two great books, one LDS and the other non-LDS, that I would recommend to anyone who has lost a child. Gone Too Soon, by Sherrie Devashrayee Wittwer and How To Survive Pregnancy Loss, by Rochelle Friedman, M.D. and Bonnie Gradstein, M.P.H.

Our aches have grown calluses over the last 20 months, enough that the thought of her upcoming birthday doesn't make me collapse in tears. It does pull at my heart though, whenever I see a new baby so perfect. We did eventually learn that our sweet Rebecca died because of a placental seizure (like a heart attack). It isn't typical, or likely to recur. The chance of it happening is one in 50,000.

I kept the blanket, bonnet and booties that the hospital gave us, as well as the picture with her footprints, and several other things. It gives me physical assurance that she was and is a part of my life. While we have put off any more children at present, I have had reassurances that we aren't quite done. I've learned some great lessons about pioneer spirit, faith, and trust.

Laura Shaffstall
(WeLuvR4@aol.com or Shaffstalls@juno.com)

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