I have had 4 miscarriages, but have been given the knowledge that all my miscarried babies have come to me.

My first miscarriage was on May 31,1985. I was 12 weeks along, and had just spent a week in the hospital for dehydration, at which time I was given an ultrasound and I saw my beautiful baby playing and seeming to be swimming. It was deemed at that point she was healthy and strong. After being released from the hospital, I went back to work within a week, still feeling somewhat sick at times. My job was not stressful or strenuous, so we felt it would not be a problem. One day I went to visit my mother and began not feeling well. As I lay down, I began having pains. This time frame was approximately a week to a week and a half following my hospital stay.

I began having strong pains, so strong that the pain was unbearable. I called my doctor, and he said to stay at home and keep him up on what was happening, as he felt there was nothing that could be done at that time. So I followed his direction, and stayed home, at my mother's house. As the day went on I had increasingly hard pains that seemed to last at least 30 minutes. I prayed to Father to save my child that I felt was a girl. I bled fist size clots. It was not until I asked Father that His will be done that the pain subsided, on the way to the hospital.

I had a blessing the next day that eased my pain somewhat, though I did cry for about one year. The emotional pain could not be described in any manner.

About a year and a half later I was pregnant again. I was only 8 weeks along this time when the pain and clotting started. My husband rushed me to the emergency room, but it was gone by this time. That occurred on Christmas Eve 1986. I still had a feeling this same little girl wanted to be with me, but was unable to make it. I had a blessing and was quickly relieved of emotional pain, not realizing that the Lord had his own plans of comfort. Within a month and a half I was pregnant again. The doctor was not happy to say the least, but my body seemed to fight off the entity when it was healthy. After a miscarriage your body is quite run down, and this is the only way I was able to sustain a complete pregnancy. As I thanked the Lord for my beautiful blessing, He indicated to me this was the same baby who had worked industriously to be with me.

When she was about 5 months old, I had a dream of a beautiful little boy asking me if he could be with me now. I told him to ask his father. Within a short period I found out I was pregnant. My husband became abusive and I left him. I went to my father's home with my little girl, and pregnant. Within a week of my arrival, spotting had started, as it had twice before with the other miscarriages. I knew this was a sign that I would lose the baby and I did. The pain was strong though not as strong as before. I was 10 weeks along and on July 11, 1988 I received yet another blessing and the emotional pain lingered, though not as long as before. I felt in my heart this was my son and he too would be with me before long.

I divorced my husband and moved to Arizona. In 1992 I met the man of my dreams, the one I never felt existed. We were married and I immediately got pregnant. I was about six weeks along when I started spotting. Knowing how this would turn out, I got a blessing, but the baby was not ready to be with us. The physical trauma was different than before. I became so dizzy that the hospital room began to spin, and I could not even lift my head. I lost my little boy again, and my heart dropped.

Remembering that not listening to the doctor by waiting six months had seemed to work well before, we immediately started trying again. Within a few weeks I was pregnant. I went to get a test and found out the positive results. I made an appointment with the doctor due to my high-risk pregnancies. The nurse spent twenty minutes trying to tell me I was not pregnant, because the results had not made it up to her by this time.

The doctor was tired of telling me I was suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome and ordered an ultrasound. There she saw the egg and recanted, stating they made a mistake. I carried my little boy to full term, though difficulties in delivery required a C-section.

Following this delivery, the adoption had gone through so that my husband was now the father of my first child, and all four of us were sealed in the Jordan River Temple.

During my next pregnancy in 1994, the C-section of my son played a major role. I started spotting again. Knowing I would lose the baby as I had four times before, I got a blessing. My body held the baby, but I found out at about 24 weeks that I had a complete Placentia Previa with an Acreda, where the placenta had fused with the C-section scar. I was praying for a good pregnancy and delivery unlike I had ever had to this point, but when I found this out that hope was now gone. Now I was praying for my life and the life of my child. The doctor told me they had lost mothers with this condition, but told my husband I would most likely not live through this.

I had thirteen of the best doctors in Phoenix, Good Samaritan hospital, and a blessing from my Bishop. In my blessing he said I would live, but I would have to live with the consequences of the pregnancy. That consequence was a hysterectomy. Yet I lived and my beautiful little daughter lived also.

As we are thankful to the Lord for the additional time He has given me, I always thought there was one more little boy we should have. My son, ever since he has been able to talk, has asked where his brother is, and we have never discussed any more children with him. Now all the children ask about their other little brother, and last month my son said to us while we were hiking that his brother's name is Joshua.

So now we await the adoption of Joshua. We know if it is right, he will be with us. My miscarriages were a preparation of strength, and for our little spirits to arrive. I am a lot stronger, and closer to my Father in Heaven due to these miscarriages. And my heart tears every time I hear of someone losing a child, as I know the pain is stronger than can be described. No one can feel your pain.

I have been blessed to know, those that I lost, I now have.

Shareene K. Strem
St George, UT

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