I have a four-year-old daughter who was conceived and born with no problems. Finally, after several years, my husband and I began to try again. It took 8 months of trying to get pregnant, and when we did the test my husband got out the video camera. I was crying from joy. Everything went well, but on the day I was supposed to see my OB for my first appointment I stated to bleed. When I went in, the ultrasound showed the gestational sack was still there. A few hours after getting home, I lost the baby.

Certainly I cried. Slowly I brought out the things I had put away for the pregnancy. I put away the maternity clothes. It took a long time to throw away that positive pregnancy test.

The pain was terrible but nothing like what was to come.

The second miscarriage occurred a few months later. It was very early and I had not really gotten too emotionally attached to the idea of this pregnancy (any more than someone who wants another baby more than anything). I took a test and it was very light. I waited 48 hours and the next test was lighter still. Then the next was negative. So I was very disappointed but not heartbroken.

Still the doctors had no answers.

Then in late May I became pregnant again. The hormones were strong and I REALLY felt it. I could tell way before I took the test. I was scared though. I didn't want to get too attached to the idea. Well... I thought... What are the odds that I will lose this one? So I began to get excited. I charted my due date and looked things up on the internet. I printed out calendars that showed what my baby would be doing with every passing week. Then the bleeding started. I knew of course the baby was dead. I screamed and cried and drove dangerously fast to the doctor... 40 minutes away, thanks to managed health care. I cried out to God and said I accepted His will, but my heart was only ready to say the words, not to feel them.

This loss has been cumulative--like all three rolled up into one. Although I function every day, I am never more than a thought away from crying. Writing this there are tears streaming down.

Now my husband has decided to stop trying. This means I am not only mourning the losses of the babies but the whole dream of my future. I don't want anyone to think I am not grateful for God's miracles in my life. I thank God every day for my good life and my wonderful daughter. Somehow it doesn't take the pain away. People say "Its all for the best," but it doesn't feel that way. Even if I know it to be true. Someday I will have peace. I hope.

It is still so new that I don't know what will happen from here.

My heart is broken,
Wendy in Ojai, CA

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