Issue 56                  News So Funny                  May, 2002 

      Hi, I’m Tank Wilson and I’m here to tell you about an extraordinary new exercise product that my company has developed. It is the only exercise machine on the market that does the exercise to you - so that you don’t have to do it yourself! Sound too good to be true? Well then read on!
      I bet that like so many other Americans, you’ve bought one piece of exercise equipment after another. The problem with all of them was you had to do a serious amount of exercise to get a hot body. That’s not right! It’s not fair that you have to do so much hard work - it’s not the American way! Well the RoboExerciser2000 is the American way. It’s no work... but all of the gain!
      The unbelievable RoboExerciser2000 is a fully automated, walking robot that does all of the exercise work for you. The way it works is simple. First you program it so that it can identify you. This involves DNA analysis, bloodletting, and bone-marrow sampling - all of which is done in the "comfort" of your own home. That’s it! There’s nothing else to do!
      Everyday the RoboExerciser2000 stomps through your house, looking for you. Once it finds you, the 3-ton RoboExerciser2000 puts you inside its "Exercise Chamber" - a small windowless room in which each of your extremities will be strapped down onto the RoboExerciser2000's pistons, pumps, and pulleys. You then sit back and nap, read, or talk to friends as you are completely "AutoExercised"!
      Another great thing about the RoboExerciser2000 is that it’s completely safe. We have a guaranteed, 25 day warranty stating that, if you are maimed or injured in any way by the RoboExerciser2000, we are really sorry.
      Now lets hear some testimonials about the RoboExerciser2000 from people we paid off.
      "Hi. I'm John Tally. I absolutely love this machine. The other day it was exercising me when it short circuited again and wrapped my leg around my head. It hurt like hell for awhile, but after a bit it felt like the best chiropractic adjustment I ever had."
      Now listen to another customer, Sally Froth. "I initially had some regrets about using the machine after it stomped on my poodle and accidentally auto-exercised Nana into the intensive care unit. But since then I’ve grown to love the RoboExerciser2000. As long as I don’t have to get my butt off the coach and miss a re-run of " Trapper John, MD, I’m willing to put up with the little unpleasantries."*
      So now all you need to know is: "How much does it cost?". Well you won’t believe it, but you can get the RoboExerciser2000 for only $19.95!!!**. So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and call 1 800 I-AM-LAZY today and start getting the hard-body you always wanted - but were always just too damn lazy to work at!!!

*RoboExerciser2000 Inc. is not legally responsible for any "unpleasantries".
**$19.95 an installment. There are 458 installments.