In other words, Iowa is a team without hope.

It is a team with no heart.

It is a team of underachievers.

It is a team that is giving every indication, in mid-February, that it’s ready to call it a season.

All of those things are bad enough. Now comes this thought advanced by a longtime observer of Hawkeye athletics:

"I am fearful that Coach Steve Alford is in over his head. I can think of no other explanation for this sorry performance.

"Alford is about to join Maury Kent and Dick Schultz as the only Iowa coaches to have sub-.500 records in the Big Ten in their first three years. And we know what a great coach Schultz was.’’

Indeed, Schultz was not a great coach in his four seasons with the Hawkeyes. His Big Ten records from 1970-71 through 1973-74 were 4-10, 5-9, 6-8 and 5-9. In all games, his teams went 9-15, 11-13, 13-11 and 8-16.

Kent coached Iowa from 1913-14 through 1917-18. He didn’t have a .500 Big Ten record in any of his five seasons, but at least he had World War I to blame for some of his problems.

Alford’s present team, with Luke Recker and Reggie Evans as its headline players, was ranked as high as No. 9 nationally before falling apart. The Hawkeyes are 15-11 overall, 4-8 in the Big Ten and may even have trouble making it into the National Invitation Tournament.

They’d need to sweep their four remaining regular-season games to finish .500 in the Big Ten’s regular season. For this team, that’s next to impossible. Home games remain Saturday against Ohio State and Feb. 23 against Michigan. Iowa has road assignments left at Wisconsin and Michigan State.

After Wednesday night’s loss to last-place Penn State, Alford said he had no answers for the Hawkeyes’ problems.

If he doesn’t, who does?

"Who would have thought, a year ago, that our football program would now be ahead of our basketball program?’’ my correspondent asks.

He heard through the grapevine (which is unusual, considering he has no grapevines in his yard) that some Iowa basketball fans have become irritated with his negative comments about the Hawkeyes.

"It appears I have ruffled a few feathers,’’ he writes. "Remember, I have never been steeped in the grand Iowa tradition, and look at the situation through eyes from the west.

"A friend pointed out to me lately that part of Alford’s problem could be from lack of experience. Having never worked under a head coach in college basketball, I do not know this for a fact. However, it makes some sense.

"I want the teams in Iowa to win as much as the next guy, and I get frustrated when people with talent don’t play up to their potential. But, as I have often said, "It is only a game.’’

When Alive in Clive (Not His Real Name) says he "looks at the situation through eyes from the west,’’ he means he has spent much of his life in Nebraska.

I am well aware of that when he continually reminds me of recent Iowa State-Nebraska and Iowa-Nebraska football scores.

First of all, don’t expect miracles from the paper these days. Why explain anything? Just keep the reader guessing.

The reason Bryant, a standout for the Los Angeles Lakers, was booed in the NBA All-Star game was because people in Philadelphia boo everything and everyone.

They once booed Santa Claus. I think some of them would boo mothers on Mother’s Day and the Easter bunny on Easter.

They boo visiting players, visiting coaches, visiting managers, their own players, their own coaches and their own managers.

Hey, I guess the only way to look at it is that, if you had to live in Philadelphia, you’d be booing everything and everyone, too.

Bryant grew up in Lower Merion, Pa., and his father, Joe, played for the Philadelphia 76ers. After scoring 31 points in the all-star game, Kobe was named the game’s most valuable player.

The same reader who wondered about Kobe Bryant has some thoughts about "Sound Off.’’

"Murphy recently had a guest on ‘Sound Off,’’’ the woman said in an e-mail. "He was so much better than Round Guy (who normally appears on the show with Murphy).

"All I could think of was letting Murphy know how much better the sports discussion went, but now I can’t think of the guest’s name.’’

[Steve Deace, the sports talk-show host from radio station KJJC, tells me he was sitting in with Murphy on the show that night].

"Round Guy usually sits there keeping his remarks to two words,’’ the e-mailer said. "I can’t see that he provides anything that I want to hear, and I don’t think he is funny—just fat. That, however, was not a kind thing to say, but I don’t think gorging one’s self is funny.’’

So there, Round Guy. Shape up and start expanding your comments to three words instead of two.

The team, which lost two games Thursday and had its record fall to 2-3, plays Germany on Saturday. The game is scheduled to be shown on CNBC at 10:15 p.m. Teams from Germany and the United States tied for fifth at the 2001 World Championships.

Swisshelm, who majored in theater arts at Drake, is one of the sweepers on the U.S. team. The resident of Chicago was named the U.S. Curling Association and U.S. Olympic Committee Female Curler of the Year in 2001, and she received the 2001 sportsmanship award from the World Curling Federation and was U.S. national champion in 1998 and 2001.

Two friends went out to play golf, and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?’’ he asked.

The other guy replied that, no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?’’ the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?’’

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it, so I don’t need another one.’’

"Well,’’ the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?’’

"That’s OK,’’ he replied. "This special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.’’

"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?’’

The other guy replied, "That’s OK, too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back—no problem.’’

Exasperated, the friend asks, "OK, let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down and you hit your ball into a sandtrap. What are you going to do then?’’

"No problem,’’ said the other guy. "You see, this ball is flourescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.’’

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?’’

The other guy replies, "I found it.’’

[E-mail Ron Maly at malyr@juno.com]