I have learned that there are 17 things wrong with Iowa’s underachieving basketball team. However, I can print only 15 of them because the other two were laced with so much profanity that I don’t want to drive the pastor of my church away from this column. He has been a loyal reader and contributor.

I pushed my luck with him by using some of Woody Hayes’ choice English a few weeks ago, so, naturally, I would prefer to not go any further down that road.

Incidentally, the language I heard regarding the basketball team was the worst used by people interested in Iowa athletics since Bob Bowlsby hired Kirk Ferentz instead of Bob Stoops to coach the football squad.

Anyway, here are the reasons, produced by my research, on why the Hawkeyes have gone from a team that was headed for the Big Ten championship and a spot in the NCAA Final Four to a team vying for a game in the NIT:

1. Alford can’t coach. I assume those people mean Steve and not his father, Sam, who is an Iowa assistant. I think Sam is a pretty good coach.
2. Iowa doesn’t play defense. Hey, what do you expect out of a coach who earned his college scholarship by shooting the ball?
3. Iowa doesn’t play with "passion.’’ I’ll get back to you on that one whenever I figure out what it means. "Passion’’ is the new darling among words used by coaches. It has replaced the word "focus.’’
4. Iowa doesn’t play offense—or at least team offense. In other words, every player runs his own offense.
5. Reggie Evans is selfish and cares only about where he’ll be in the NBA draft, not about Iowa. Obviously, Evans should have entered the draft after last season. Had he done that, he wouldn’t have to put up with current criticism. I don’t think it’s reached the point where Evans will be playing in the noon league at the YMCA next winter, but his potential professional dollars are slipping fast.
6. Luke Recker is selfish and cares only about where he’ll be in the NBA draft, not about Iowa. Recker won’t need to worry about the pro draft. The only way he’ll get into an NBA game next season will be to buy a ticket.
7. Although the Hawkeyes have been looking awful in games, you should see them in practice. They look even worse there. I can’t comment on that one—I no longer attend practices. I get more out of watching Martha Stewart on TV. But I’ve heard that Alford had them practicing (well, at least shooting free throws and running the stairs) until 3:30 a.m. Sunday after getting back to Iowa City following a 63-50 loss at Northwestern. Alford said they were "outstanding’’ and "spirited’’ in that workout. Take that for what it’s worth.
8. Some of the starters should be benched. Even Alford says that. My advice: Do it already. Obviously, nobody is paying attention to the threats.
9. Alford is a young coach who is still learning. Hey, give him time. In about 15 years and after 10 renegotiated contracts, which will give him a salary of $10 billion a season, Alford will be right up there with Penn State’s Jerry Dunn in the X’s and O’s department. Indiana’s athletic director—whoever he or she is then--will still be saying, "Man, am I glad Iowa got Alford and we didn’t.’’
10. The team is spoiled. Alford said some of his players complained about their pregame meals at Northwestern. Alford said the meals were worth $15 to $18—good enough, he said, that other people would have "killed for’’ them. My solution? Have Alford’s wife pack cheese sandwiches in a paper bag for all remaining road games.
11. There is no team unity. The players point fingers at one another and argue during games. I am still researching which fingers they’re pointing. I assume they’re not pointing the ones that proclaim, "We’re No. 1.’’
12. There is no team chemistry. I don’t know what "chemistry’’ means as it applies to basketball. That’s another favorite word of coaches. Fans have learned it because they listen to coaches’ radio shows.
13. The team is a "mystery.’’ Those are Alford’s words. If the Hawkeyes are a mystery to him after 20 games, where do the rest of us stand in trying to figure them out?

14. The team has no point guard. If I’m not mistaken, that’s another criticism of the coach. Specifically, his recruiting.
15. The media is to blame. I knew that one would come up. It’s always the media’s fault. If those damn reporters would start making more three-point field goals, play better on defense, weren’t so selfish and would develop more unity and chemistry, the Hawkeyes would be in first place.

Little did anyone know then that Iowa’s version of March Madness would perhaps bring with it a different sort of madness. I’ve covered many NCAA and NIT games. Put it this way--I don’t need to attend any more NIT games.

"Bus was a guy with a great sense of humor,’’ said Paul Morrison, the 84-year-old historian in Drake’s athletic department. "He was a wonderful man to be around.’’

Mertes, whose record as Drake’s coach was 27-19 from 1960-64, once told a reporter that "age doesn’t make any difference. It’s how old you feel that counts.’’

Morrison said he often was Mertes’ roommate on Drake road trips.

"He was always watching late-night movies,’’ Morrison said. "They weren’t game films, but Hollywood movies on TV.’’

People who have been around Des Moines for a while will recall that Mertes and his wife, Pauline, had a fitness and exercise show on television while they lived here.

"Another interesting thing about Bus was that he was our coach at Drake when the 1963 game against Iowa State was cancelled because of the assassination of President John Kennedy,’’ Morrison said.

Morrison said Mertes’ Bulldogs had a 6-4 record in his final season in 1964, finishing with five consecutive victories.

Mertes went on to be a Minnesota Vikings assistant coach for 18 years. Jerry Burns, the former Iowa and Vikings coach, told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune that Mertes was "a particular favorite of the players. He was just a big old teddy bear sort of guy.’’

Mertes played halfback at Iowa. He served in the Navy before starting a professional football career with the old Chicago Cardinals in 1945. He also coached at Bradley and Kansas State.

It could happen with Northern Iowa’s basketball team.

Northern Iowa finished in last place in the Missouri Valley Conference with a 3-15 record last season. Overall, the Panthers were 7-24 under Coach Sam Weaver.

Now they’re 5-2 and one game out of first place in the Valley. For the season, they’re 10-6.

But it didn’t take UNI long to establish some credibility this season. It came Dec. 4 in a 78-76 victory over an Iowa team that then was ranked 11^th nationally.

The Panthers now have a chance to help themselves in a big way with home games this week against Indiana State and Southern Illinois.

McDermott, a native of Cascade and a Northern Iowa graduate, is taking a conservative stance on his team’s title hopes.

Most coaches use the old "we’re-taking-‘em-one-game-at-a-time’’ philosophy when speaking publicly about their teams’ championship aspirations.

So far, most of the practices—as well as the games—have been very good.

The Panthers, obviously, are no longer secrets around the nation. Dick Vitale, who knows everything about collegiate basketball—or at least thinks he does—said, "Give credit to first-year Coach Greg McDermott’’ after UNI’s victory over Iowa.