I heard something land on the front porch at 4 o’clock this morning.

It must be the paper, I figured.

It was.

Just one problem. It wasn’t today’s paper.

It was Saturday’s paper.

And this Saturday-delivery-on-Monday came less than 24 hours after Des Moines Register editor Paul Anger—acting like the head cheerleader at the company picnic—ended his Sunday column with this paragraph: "We’re the Newspaper Iowa Depends Upon. That’s never going to change.’’

Well, I’ve got news for Anger. There are plenty of people who broke out laughing when they read that. I’ll mention some of their comments later in this column.

If bringing the Saturday paper to my door on Monday is an example of good newspapering, then those geese that Anger thought he saw flying over Iowa a few months ago were really elephants.

Anger can say all he wants about improvements such as Amanda Pierre writing a column on the fine-arts scene and about something called "Pssst!"—whatever that is--in the Iowa Life section.

Don’t waste my time telling me about "Pssst!’’

Tell me why I’ve had to call the circulation department three times in the last two weeks (including today) to have a paper delivered because I either didn’t get the right one or didn’t get one at all.

Tell me why you didn’t have the Roosevelt-Sioux City East football story in the paper this fall. Tell me why you didn’t have the Valley-Lincoln football story in the paper last fall.

No, don’t bother. I’ll tell you why. It’s because not enough of the people who work at that place care about getting the paper to a customer’s door. Not enough people care about getting the Roosevelt-East Sioux City and Valley-Lincoln stories in the paper.

The Register continues to go downhill. You know it, I know it.

It is in a circulation free-fall with no end in sight. The latest Audit Bureau of Circulation report showed that both the Sunday and daily circulation had dropped for the 18^th consecutive year since the Gannett Co. bought the paper.

More than a week ago, the Register’s sports section had this account of the game:

Sioux City East 48, Roosevelt 21

Game information was not made available to The Register

A reader—a retired newspaperman who knows all about having to chase down stories at midnight so the bosses wouldn’t be in a foul mood the next day--e-mailed me to say:

"The damn paper is trying to shift the blame to someone else because they did not have a game story. The attitude there is that they are doing the school a favor if they publish a story of the game and it is the school’s responsibility to see that details are called in.

"It should have read:

Sioux City East 48, Roosevelt 21

The Register was too cheap to pay someone to get game details

After I used that in a recent column, I heard from another retired newspaperman who would have stuffed a copy editor into a paste pot if the guy didn’t find out the details of a game in time for a story the next morning.

He wrote:

"The Register’s failure to get a report on the Sioux City East-Roosevelt game boggles the mind. Well, no it doesn’t, considering the source of the screw-up.

"Did they finally get the story in Sunday’s paper, 24 hours late? If you ever find out what happened, I’d be interested in knowing. In all the history of Des Moines public school athletics, this may have been the first football game to have gone unreported. I can’t think of any.

"Housh, along with Sec Taylor, must be spinning in his grave. If this would have happened in the ‘good old days,’ heads would be rolling.

"Of course, in the ‘good old days,’ we PAID for those reports. Do you remember Housh going through copy and talking into his Dictaphone: ‘Joe Jones, Swaledale, 50 cents….Bill Smith, Jackson Junction, 50 cents….Annette Lingelbeck, Waterloo, 75 cents….Ha!"

The men that newspaper veteran wrote about were Sec Taylor, longtime sports editor of the Register, and Leighton Housh, who was Sec’s executive sports editor, then became sports editor when Sec died in 1965.

No use spinning in your graves, guys. Don’t look for things to get any better in the sports department. I did talk to one guy Saturday in the press box at Kinnick Stadium in Iowa City who suggested that "Anger should fire the sports editor before he gets fired himself.’’

[I’ll bet you didn’t know that stuff like that is often discussed in press boxes, did you?]

And, by the way, there was no account of the Roosevelt-Sioux City East game in the Sunday paper 24 hours after it was left out of the Saturday paper, either.

I received an e-mail from yet another Register retiree—a guy who now regularly buys the Omaha World-Herald because he doesn’t think the local paper gives him the news he wants.

He wrote this to me:

"After (Iowa basketball coach Steve) Alford told the students that that he had scheduled two national TV games against Bobby Knight and his Texas Tech team, there was an AP story out of Iowa City about it that the World-Herald ran.

"One will be in Chicago, and I think the other will be in Dallas. The (Register) desk must have a bunch of idiots now.

"Alford said there is also a national TV game scheduled with Louisville and an upcoming trip to the Maui Classic. How can the Register not run a story like that?

"Also, in looking over Iowa State’s home basketball schedule, I think it’s the worst I’ve ever seen. They shouldn’t even charge admission to see some of those cupcakes.’’

I guess the guy doesn’t think much of the Cyclones’ games against Coe, Mercer, Jackson State, Savannah State and Arkansas-Pine Bluff.

I’d say it’s unbelievable that the story hasn’t appeared in a paper that Anger says Iowa (the state, not the university) depends upon, but I don’t use the word unbelievable anymore when it comes to the Register.

Nothing surprises me.

A man also wrote to me about an e-mail exchange he had with Anger over an item in the "People in the News’’ segment of the news section.

He sent this e-mail to Anger:

"According to your ‘People in the News’ column on Saturday, actor Billy Bob Thornton ‘loves the sex with Danielle Dotzenrod, but that’s sex and nothing else. Does anybody at the Register know this to be a fact? And, even if it is, is it news?

"Did anybody there think about what this story would do to Dotzenrod’s mother, who still lives in the small Winneshiek County town of Spillville? Was that line worth the embarrassment caused to her. Have you no shame?’’

Anger sent an e-mail back that said he "had no idea that Dani Dotzenrod’s mother lives in Spillville. But that underscores the need for us to be empathetic editors out of innate fairness and propriety.’’

Anger also said "it is not our job to wound people.’’

Oh, well. Like the guy who wrote to me said, the Register probably doesn’t sell any papers in Spillville anyway.

"I could not get all the way through Paul Anger’s column , so I did not read the last paragraph until someone else pointed it out.

"In case you missed it, you should check it out.

"Also, did you notice the Register went overboard in announcing that it won 21 of 28 awards in its division of the (Associated Press Managing Editors) contest.

"What the story did not say is that there are only two other papers in that division. It also did not mention that, in the not-too-distant past, the Register did not even bother to enter that contest.

"I guess these days you can take your victories where you can find them.’’

The e-mailer is correct. A former Register editor—Jim Gannon, I think—decided a number of years ago that the paper would no longer enter statewide writing contests.

The philosophy then was that if you’re really the paper Iowa depends upon, you shouldn’t have to be entering contests to beat the papers in Cedar Rapids and Davenport.

After all, the Register was winning Pulitzers in those days.

And the last paragraph in Anger’s column that the e-mailer wanted me to read was the one that said, "We’re The Newspaper That Iowa Depends Upon. That’s never going to change.’’

As far as I’m concerned, that comment makes Anger a clear leader in the clubhouse for "The Dennis Ryerson Jackass of the Month Award."

Since the paper didn’t print it, I will. Here it is:

"I’m writing to you as a parent of a child with cancer. My daughter was diagnosed with leukemia on New Year’s Day, 2001, at 19 months. She is now 3 years old and is still undergoing chemotherapy.

"In the last year, several non-profit organizations have become very important to my family. One of these is the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Each of the last two years, Prairie Meadows has granted a very generous donation to the Society. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s mission is to ‘cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families.’

"Seventy-six percent of every dollar received goes directly to patient services aid and supporting their mission. Prairie Meadows’ donation touches over 600 families in Iowa who are dealing with a blood-related cancer, and helps fund two researchers at an Iowa hospital.

"My goal as an active volunteer for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society is to help ensure that another family doesn’t have to go through the same trials we have.

"So, gambling and political issues aside, I say, ‘Thank you, Prairie Meadows’ for supporting these very meaningful organizations and helping to make my family’s life a little easier through this nightmarish experience.’’

Donna Maly
West Des Moines, Ia.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Megan Maly is doing very well, both physically and emotionally, in her battle against leukemia. Her medications are doing their job, she now has a full head of wavy hair, she attends pre-school, she learns new words every day, and she loves to go for walks with her grandpa]