Peggy Riehl. Children and Rules: Notes for Adults.

It's common to hear people say, "Kids don't have any manners." Today manners are learned in courses that teach the social graces--how to eat at a sophisticated restaurant, or how to behave at a social function. Why is it that children today, or even some adults, don't know about manners? And why do children challenge us when we try to teach about manners?

Adults often complain that children don't follow the rules or cheat in games. Siblings often fight when playing games together. When games are introduced into the school curriculum, either as a reward for good behavior or as an alternative teaching strategy, teachers are often surprised and frustrated at the ways children respond to the rules of the games. Do children learn anything important, even though they continue to argue during games?

By looking at the meaning and function of manners within culture and how children's understanding of rules develops, perhaps we will be better able to meet the needs of today's youth. Rather than thinking of manners as something to be taught or rules as something to be enforced, it may be helpful to understand the changes in children's thinking and behavior as they develop.

Good manners are cultural rules

In one sense, good manners are merely cultural customs which have become institutionalized into rules. This is easy to see when we observe family meals in other cultures. For most people from the United States, eating with a fork, knife, and spoon is the rule. Our rules of etiquette say that only certain foods may be eaten with the hands. It's okay to eat barbecue chicken with your hands, but not steak. But, people in other cultures commonly eat with their hands. Ethiopian meals are served on a common platter, from which everyone takes food with their hands. Chopsticks are used in Chinese, Japanese and other eastern cultures. Food is passed in a certain direction in some cultures so that the gods, who are also at the table, are not offended.

Within each of these cultures, there are rules for good manners. And, it's important to follow those rules, whether doing it the "right" way keeps Grandma or the gods happy. No matter what our rules are for good manners, we teach children these manners so that they will fit into the larger culture. When we realize that children are breaking the rules--not fitting in--we design a social skills training course to teach them good manners.

As we design such courses, we might even be surprised at the number of rules there are, because we haven't thought about them until the children "broke" them. In general, we are unaware of cultural rules until someone breaks them. Our cultural rules seem "natural" and are well integrated into the way we lead our lives. If we fit into our society, we know the rules without thinking about them. But having to explain and teach them to children at school makes us aware of them.

When we examine why certain manners or cultural rules exist, we discover that sometimes there isn't a rational reason, other than keeping us together as a family--to be of a particular group or culture. When children and teachers come together at school, they have formed a new "family." The school family needs its own rules, which might be different than what children or teachers do at home. In a very basic sense, the school setting creates the need for cultural rules which fit all the members of the school culture. There may be some disagreement in the process, but to be successful, compromise from everyone will be necessary.

Culture reflects values

If each of us lists the rules for eating, we discover that not everyone's ideas of the rules are the same. My list is different than yours, and we enforce them differently. In my family, the value might be to have time to eat together, rather than the value of using all the correct silverware. Another family might value owning video movies rather than the owning the correct silverware and plates. The American value of independence also impacts the differences we see in the manners for eating. Perhaps we really don't care what people do in their homes, as long as they follow our rules when they eat in public places.

Thus, how we define "good" manners quickly illustrates the values each of us holds. It may seem easy at first; "We're just going to teach the kids good manners." Then, when we talk with each other about what "good" manners are, we realize that defining "good" manners introduces the concept of value. If our country were isolated, and we were all from the same cultural or religious group, we probably wouldn't have different values reflected in our manners. But, we are a collection of people, with differences and similarities. It's up to us to make these differences and similarities an opportunity for celebration and learning.

Knowing that there are differences in cultural rules and values, but desiring a positive experience in common settings like school, should encourage us. Since I know myself, and something about my family and culture, then I can share that information with others. If others listen and learn from me, I should take the time to listen and learn from others. As simple as the rules for eating may seem, they can be a great starting point for developing positive relationships between teachers and parents, and between children and teachers. My respect for your values, your respect for mine, and our common goal of an enjoyable lunch period can help to set the stage for other shared goals of well-educated children with great futures.

"But, rules are meant to be followed and enforced"

When games are introduced into the school curriculum, our understanding of children and rules becomes apparent. Many people think that children who break the rules shouldn't be allowed to play or perhaps even punished. But, what about the adults who break rules--in traffic, at the dinner table, in a football game--should they allowed to play? Should they be punished? At first, we may balk at the idea that following the traffic rules is the same as ten year olds following the rules of Monopoly. How are these situations similar? How are they different?

Some rules are made so that we can function as an organized society. Traffic rules are an example. Since I know that you know that "red" means stop, I am fairly confident about driving through the green light. Most of us agree with the red light-green light rule, and most of us follow this rule most of the time. But what about speed limits? The speed limit is also part of the traffic rules, a rule made so that we can function as an organized society. How many adults do you know who drive the speed limit on the highway? When the confessions of breaking the speed limit come out, find out why do they do it. There will probably be a range of reasons. "I'm a safe driver." "As long as you don't get caught it's ok." "I was in a hurry and it didn't matter to anyone if I was speeding." Ask too, whether these same drivers stop at a red light. As you explore the topic, try to figure out how people make the decision to stop at the red light but decide to break the speed limit. Clearly, there are many individuals who set their own rules regarding traffic. How is this different than kids who don't follow the rules of Monopoly?

Adults sometimes forget that children watch and learn from us, whether we intend it or not. So, when it becomes apparent that adults sometimes break the rules, and create their own, then children break rules and create their own. They are really only doing what we have shown them to do.

On the other hand, we live in a country where rules--the laws--do change. We vote for representatives who spend their time creating and changing the law. We have the opportunity to change the laws. There are some citizens who choose not to vote, whether for religious or other reasons, but the opportunity is there.

Traffic rules are a little different than the cultural rules of good manners. Good manners aren't quite as rational. (Why do I switch the fork from my left hand to my right, after I have cut something? It just seems like the right thing to do!) Traffic rules instead are made for the common good. They are clearly made by humans, and can be changed by humans. Manners and cultural rules, however, appear to be made by the no one. Since we don't remember how the tradition of holding the fork in our right hand got started, we believe it always has been true.

Other rules in society function in the same way as traffic rules. But children aren't born understanding this. When Jean Piaget studied children playing marbles, he discovered that children have very different ideas of where rules come from and how they can (or can't) be changed. Lawrence Kohlberg studied the way people make moral decisions, a topic clarified further by Carol Gilligan. Rather than memorizing the stages of moral development, based on Piaget's, Kohlberg's, or even Gilligan's theories, the important thing to remember is that children become aware of the different nature of rules in society. Some rules are made by people and can be easily changed; other rules represent a deeper structure of the society, aren't actually made by a person, but are clearly followed by many (such as good manners). Decisions are made about following the rules, and punishing those who break the rules. But, if no one knows a rule has been broken, there may be only an internal punishment (a feeling of guilt). Children, like the adults around them, may not spend time rationally thinking about these issues, but they are learning as they live and interact with people in their world.

As you think about your goals for introducing social skills programs into your school curriculum and culture, remember these developmental issues and the function of rules for children and adults. Your children are very concerned with issues of justice and fairness. As you explain the reasons for "politeness," your honest answers will gain respect from the children and families you work with.

Thus, while I know that eating with a fork and spoon is a culturally determined rule, I still do it for the benefit of living together happily. I also only drive through the green lights so I don't harm others. And, perhaps, while the children in your school re-evaluate their lunchroom antics, the adults will re-think their behavior on the highway! Polite is right, for all of us, not just for the children!

©1998 by Peggy Riehl
If you use this, it would be polite to send a message.
Please e-mail: peggyriehl@sprintmail.com
Return to Peggy Riehl's Homepage